Last week at the OFD editorial meeting, we were talking about what couples do (or don't do) to pay tribute to parents who have passed away. As we were chatting, we realised that all four of us sitting around the table had lost a mam or dad ahead of our wedding days - pretty coincidental, right? So rather than writing a post about lighting candles, wearing lockets, or including them in your speech (all lovely ideas, and we may do a post on those soon!), we figured it might be more helpful to share our own personal stories instead.

Getting married after you've lost a parent is such a bittersweet thing. You're so excited to be marrying your other half, but the build-up to your big day is slightly tinged with the fact that your Mam or Dad isn't with you to celebrate. There's no right or wrong way to mark it on your wedding day, it completely depends on where you're at, how you feel, and what's appropriate for you, your other half and your families.

But if you are trying to work out how to approach your wedding day after the loss of a parent (or any loved-one), maybe one of our stories will resonate...

Naoise's Story

Ronan and I were engaged for two years before the time seemed right to settle down and actually get on with planning our wedding. No sooner had we started planning, than a bolt out of the blue hit my family. My father was diagnosed with liver cancer.

After a couple of weeks of appointments it became clear that time wasn't on our side. Initial plans made with our caterer, photographer and marquee company were put on indefinite hold. The wedding was off. How long for, we had no idea.

Over the winter Dad gradually got weaker and it was clear to me that that last Christmas dinner would be the last we would share. Daddy slipped away at home on February 20th, the day after my mother's birthday. He spent that last week at home with us all, looking after him night and day, trying to make every moment as comfortable as we could. They were the most difficult days, but as a family, some of the most important of our lives.

I tell you this, to explain what happened next. They say everyone has their own way of dealing with loss and grief. It's no surprise to anyone who knows me that my method is to get on with things; lock it up and deal with it later; life goes on and distraction is my friend. So within two weeks of Daddy passing away, I had the wheels in motion again for the wedding.

We set the date of July 27th, just over four months away. Organising a wedding wasn't enough though, I was determined we would have our wedding at our family holiday home, so a marquee wedding and all the added complications that brings, needed to be organised. Of course, not having any sense, I didn't involve a wedding planner, so organising everything from knives and forks, plumbing, toilets, bins and the generator fell to me. It's not one for the faint-hearted at the best of times. Organising all that while you're in the throes of grief, isn't something I would recommend to anyone, unless like me, you have a chronic need to be so busy you can't think about anything else.

The wedding itself was amazing, we enjoyed every minute of the two day celebration with family and friends in Wexford. It was a fun-filled, super relaxed, gloriously sunny couple of days where we danced 'til dawn and lived life to the fullest with everyone we love. I asked my youngest brother, who was closest to my Dad to walk me up the aisle, and we included a very poignant poem called The Limbs that Move about the generations that have come and gone before.

It wasn't a conscious decision, but when we decorated the bar tent there were many decor items and furnishings that belonged to my grandparents and Nana, so looking around I felt surrounded by them. But, some might find this strange, I didn't mention or talk about Dad at all during the day. He was mentioned by others during the speeches, but what they said, I honestly couldn't tell you, I think I tuned it out. For me, it was too raw. I knew I had to keep that box firmly locked.

As I say everyone deals differently with grief. This is just my story; my way of handling it. I needed a party, a celebration to help counter the sadness. I wanted to give our family something to look forward to and enjoy. It was a day without Daddy, but he was there in spirit, in every one of us.

On a side note: I'd like to say a huge thank you to Eunice Power, Brian and Trish from The Mastersons, Charles from LPM Bohemia for bearing with me during those 4 months - I don't think I ever expressed to you all how much all your hard work was appreciated. Without your patience I don't know what I would have done.

Karen Louise's Story

My story is a little different as I didn't lose a parent growing up, I grew up without one in my life. My Dad passed away when I was just three months old, he was 27 and died in a tragic work accident. I had always thought 27 was so old growing up, my Mum and Dad were both married at that age, had 2 kids and a house, but when I turned 27 everything became so real. It wasn't old at all, it was in fact so, so young.

We were engaged about a year and a half when we decided on a date and it also happened that I would be 27 when we tied the knot. I made sure to do everything in my power that year to really start living my life including getting married to my best friend.

It was really important to me that though the whole wedding planning process my Mum felt involved as I didn't want her to feel an extra sense of loss. She was both my Mum and Dad growing up and she raised my brother and I by herself while running her own business - she is my hero. As her little girl, I didn’t want her to feel like she was “giving me away” but rather helping me celebrate how far I have come in life with her help and guidance and starting my new life with Michael.

We enjoyed celebrating little moments of the planning process and we scheduled fun days to go wedding shopping and have special wedding afternoon teas. I will forever hold these amazing little memories close to my heart.

Although I never knew him, my Dad has always been someone I hold oh-so-dear to my heart so knew I wanted to have something on the day to honour him and remind me that he is always there. I carried his wedding photo in a beautiful charm on my bouquet which now sits pride of place on my dresser. As we had a Catholic ceremony he was also remembered in prayers of the faithful read out by my brother and in my Mum's lovely speech at the reception.

Joanna's Story

My Mam passed away suddenly in 2011. She was 49 and I was 22. When she died, I immediately had my future wedding all planned out. I would wear her dress. I would have a flower crown because she had one. I knew the song I'd walk up the aisle to because it was her favourite but when the time came, something twigged... She would have killed me if I'd done all of those things.

Instead I had her with me in ways nobody would have even noticed. I wore her dressing gown getting ready. The wedding car was a VW Beetle because it was what she drove. My coat was the gift my Dad gave my Mam for her 21st birthday.  Only I or very few knew about these things.

My advice - there's no right or wrong way to do this! For me, time didn't heal but it helped. If it's still painfully raw, maybe allow things settle in a bit more. It's hard to make decisions in the midst of grief. When I did walk up the aisle, it wasn't to her favourite song. I wore my own dress and I didn't have a flower crown.

What I did have was my incredible Dad holding my hand and an amazing fiance waiting for me at the top of the aisle. I also had 22 love filled years with my mam and while she wasn't there on the day, I was happier than I knew I could be which is all she would have wanted.

Claire's Story

My mam passed away just over two years before our wedding. I'm eternally grateful that she got to know (and love!) my husband Marko - he got her blessing to marry me before she passed away, which meant a lot. When it came to planning our wedding, I kind of expected the worst, and planned accordingly.

I basically tried to avoid all those typical mother/daughter moments. I went to my dress appointment on my own - bad idea, I ended up calling Marko outside the shop in tears! On the morning of our wedding, I got dressed with Marko (no photographers, bridesmaids, or family) - good idea, it gave us a moment of calm before the madness, and meant any anxieties I had about being upset with everyone around, were eased.

But the truth is, on the day I wasn't upset. Of course I missed my mam, but when the sun shone for our outdoor ceremony (it had been lashing rain about two hours before) I knew she was there. I was too happy to be sad. Our friend and celebrant Dan took a moment out to remember her at the start of our ceremony, but like a pro, he didn't dwell on her absence. My dad gave the most gorgeous speech (the whole room was in floods) but it was sincere and heartfelt, not mournful. We had sadly lost a few people in the year or two before our wedding, so we made a perspex "Here in Spirit" sign, with photos on an easel, and stood it next to the table plan, and I think our families really appreciated the sentiment.

But really, I have to say, the main reason I didn't miss my mam on the day, or have as many weepy moments as I'd expected during the planning, is a testament to the people around me who filled in the void. My dad was both mother and father of the bride (and chief bridesmaid!) he helped with the planning, the styling, the logistics and the crafts, and was unflappable throughout. My sister was a constant source of excitement, encouraging me to indulge in wedding chatter even when it felt frivolous. My aunties and cousins threw me a kitchen party complete with my very own cocktail bar. My in-laws were unreal, Marko's mam and I had at least one tear-filled heart-to-heart over wine. And of course, Marko, who let me be upset when it was what I needed, but knew exactly how to cheer me up when that was called for too.

My advice for anyone planning a wedding after a bereavement? Be kind to yourself, don't put yourself under too much pressure, and let those around you, spoil you rotten!

Feature Image by Rashida Keenan via One Fab Day